.. What has become of me ..

Sunday, October 28, 2007

mood: tortured

my goodness, im so damn tired. didnt have any strength at the gym. so yah, we left early and had subway. had a foot long sandwich. was so darn full after tt man.. hahha. bought a set of renoma singlets. in fact, im wearin one now. mhmm.. saw a group of jap students. ezra and i couldnt help but make an exaggerated version of jap people. hahha. yah.. just slacked at potongpasir macs and caught with my florence and sureli. and i had to head off early to richman's weddin. felt kinda awkward there.. every relative couldnt recognise me. did i change that much? hmm well thank goodness it ended fast.. sighh.. tomorrows gonna be a day of muggin

*those love songs.. theyve put a smile on everyones face, except mine..

00:33

Friday, October 26, 2007

mood: thinkin..

when youre nice, people take advantage of you.. when youre mean, you'll be left alone.. this is what the world is like.. everyman for himself.. one would sacrifice anythin and anyone to save oneself.. ive been nice for too long, maybe its time i stop tryin to prove that wrong..

*todays suppose to be a happy day of the month.. but i guess it didnt turn out so happy afterall..

21:12

Thursday, October 25, 2007

i guess everyone is right.. give her some space, she has enough on her mind.. thats true.. i did this to myself.. i dont blame anyone for ignorin me and leavin me alone.. i dont blame her for leavin me.. im just too much.. i ask for too much, i want too much. she tried but i always ask for more.. i dont know what shes goin through.. im not tryin hard enough to understand want she really needs.. and that is a guy who will be there to love and understand her, who will be patient in everythin she does.. and it seems that i can never be that guy no matter how hard i try.. i love her so much.. but love isnt enough.. i will never be enough.. i shouldnt have hurt her that way.. i shouldnt have..

*im sorry i cant be everythin that you need.. i really regret not treatin you better.. i guess theres no point cryin now.. cryin wont bring you back to me.. im sorry..

18:12

Sunday, October 21, 2007

mood: nervous, determined

kinda disappointed with myself.. couldve had more work done today. but i guess theres no point cryin over spilt milk. hmm well tomorrows gonna be the start of the Os. i really hope its not gonna be tough.. its too much to ask for but hey, no harm hopin. hahha.. i guess this will be the last post until the 6th of november. gotta concentrate. so yep.. gonna go mug now. cheers

*im a little disappointed i couldnt see you yesterday, but at least i got to talk to you just now. even though its just a talk, it really means a lot to me. im glad we got to talk before my Os start. hmm im really lookin forward to seein you soon after the Os. and i just want to you know.. i miss you..

23:46

Saturday, October 20, 2007

mood: confused

today.. i guess it just isnt my day. but who am i to complain? maybe im just ment to be treated this way. to be alone.. its time i become more independent. sometimes i wish i could just change who i am. to be someone who doesnt care, who has no feelings.. so i wont feel so hurt and sad. but i cant and i wont.. i'll continue bein myself..

*do you still feel for me..? do you still want to be with me..? in my heart, i feel that you still do.. but i really want to know.. i guess you'll only tell me after the Os..

20:39

Thursday, October 18, 2007

mood: lonely, confused

i sure hope i'll do well for my science practical. it seem easy enough, but i kinda have this bad feelin about it.. maybe im think too much.. well today been umm pretty borin and dull. met joel after so long. he seems retty hyped about the rise of Apollyon. hope i can deliver some good stuff for the band after the Os. hmm.. well, ive been feelin pretty lonely these days.. dont get me wrong guys, i know most of you have been there for me, to listen to what i really have to say(thanks martien and ezra). but i just feel somethin missin.. i guess, to be honest, the thing thats missin is...

*majority says, "learn to let go.." minority says, "listen to your heart.." i really dont know.. but ive always believed in my heart.. and i hope that ive made the right choice..

21:45

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

mood: bored of studyin..

well well.. today has been a pretty wasted day.. lemme correct that, FUCKIN wasted.. sighh.. i have to start concentratin or im gonna fail. i dont want to.. hmm well, ive been eatin alot. back to havin 3 meals today so im feelin really full now. hahha. anyways, i guess im gonna stop goin to gym for now. gotta concentrate on my Os first. shall make up for it later. hmm oh and tomorrows my science practical exam!! wish me luck!! hope nothin blows up in my face. hahha. oki dokies then.. gonna go memorise geography now..

*and i wonder if its really me.. i miss you..

21:22

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

gosh i should be studyn!! argh!! had gym with ezra just now. didnt do much. for some reason we were damn tired. so we finished early to hav lunch at Subway. hmm well.. ive been thinkin about it and i guess its time i woke up and look. ive got my Os in less than 6 days, thats not a lot of time. its about time i got out of my stupid sad depressin life and work on my Os first. ive had enough of my whinin about it.. ive had enough with lettin people hear my "sad" story over and over again. im gonna work hard and do well for my Os. whatever thats gonna happen now, durin or after my Os.. im not goin to let it distract me

*ive made up my mind.. no matter how hard it is to wait, i'll keep waitin. youre right, everythin else should wait til after the Os.. thats my top priority. im sorry to have put so much pressure on you. i hope to see you on saturday though..

16:25

Monday, October 15, 2007

hey people. finally got my posb card today. now i can pay off the california fitness fees. yep yep. met up with wafah to study. stupid tharenii said he would come but ended up not comin. tsk.. so yah, we studied for pretty long, but half of the time we were talkin. hahha. yah, her friend joined us tho. he kinda reminds me of ambrish. been ages since i spoke to him. hmm.. yah.. had a coldcut sandwich from subway. was great!! hahha.. yah.. had a haircut too. fringe look disgustin now.. ergg.. oh well.. just gotta wait for it to grow..

*hearin your voice last night really made my day.. couldnt stop thinkin of you.. i miss you..

21:24

Sunday, October 14, 2007

baby why cant we just start all over again
get it back to the way it was
if you give me a chance i can love you right
but youre telling me it wont be enough
so baby i will wait for you
cause i dont know what else i can do
dont tell me i ran out of time
if it takes the rest of my life
baby i will wait for you
if you think i find it just aint true
i really need you in my life
no matter what i have to do
i’ll wait for you

*since that day, ive been wakin up in the middle of my sleep, tossin and turnin everynight.. because i couldnt get you off my mind.. i tried really hard to stop thinkin for now, but i just cant. everythin just seem so meaningless, so worthless. i feel so weak, not knowin what to do, cryin everynight.. dreamin of you, of you bein so close.. but wakin up to realise youre not there. gettin frustrated at every small mistake, frustrated with what ive done.. seein your photos, seein how beautiful and how happy you are.. it makes me happy just to see you smile, but at the same time.. it makes me sad to know that im unable to make you smile like that.. i really wish i could.. i would give anythin to just hold you again.. but i guess it'll only be a wish..

14:44

Friday, October 12, 2007

today has been so damn wasted.. didnt bring my chemistry notes with me. argh!! shall check and recheck and recheck again next time. oh well.. still i guess i shouldve used what i had and stayed outside instead of goin home. thats the only way to prevent myself.. sighh..

*i havent found anythin that can make me happy, like you do.. and i dont think there is.. cause only you can.. sighh.. i miss you so..

22:16

Thursday, October 11, 2007

today was hmm pretty wasted. didnt do much work. sighh.. ok, wake up call!! time to get serious!! oh well.. shall do some work tonight then. anyways, ezra had his braces done. hahha. so weird to see ezra with braces. it kinda fits him actually. hmm saw the kittens he was talkin about, damn cute!! hahha. theyre so playful and carefree.. hmm caught Resident Evil: Extinction. its awesome!! love it. hmm yah, so we just slack around and stuff. sighh i guess i better get to work now. cheers

*thinkin of you.. i wonder if youre thinkin of me too..

22:01

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

mood: guilt

my goodness, today is like so fucked wasted. didnt even study. sighh.. maybe i should really go out to study everyday or i'll end up doin other things.. at least it'll take me away from temptation. hmm anyways, went out to meet tharen, wafah. n ergg dev was there.. weirdo.. yah.. the guy at the library is like freakin irritatin, kept comin to nag. yep, but it was funny. laughed so much. hmm tharen kept askin me irritatin questions when we left. lemme repeat, as long as im wearin the ring around my neck, i wont like anyone else and the ring isnt comin off anytime soon.

*i will hang on.. to be with you once again

19:01

mood: tired, feelin useless, missin her

*if only i could do somethin to help.. sighh.. but all i ever do is make things worse.. but i'll be there for you, no matter what happens, where or when.. just like i promised you before, while lookin into your beautiful eyes.. i will always be there for you..

00:45

Monday, October 08, 2007

*ive been really impatient.. and its unfair to you.. i just lost control of my feelings.. especially after seein you after so long.. i wanted to hold your hands so much.. sighh.. what id give to run my fingers through your hair.. you know, i wanted to hold you near before i left.. but i knew i couldnt, i was afraid you wouldnt like it.. so i didnt.. but i know one day i will hold you in my arms again.. or at least i hope.. but i'll keep waitin, no matter how it take for you to believe in me again.. to believe in our love again.. i'll wait cause theres no one else i love this much and theres no one else who can love and care for me as much as you do..

00:53

Sunday, October 07, 2007

HAPPY HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN NESS IS AWESOME WHOO WHOO! hahha. does that satisfy you nessa?

22:16

Saturday, October 06, 2007

mood: happy yet sad..

meet up with ezra today. headed to MarinaSquare to kill time. played pool, arcade and watched Daywatch. pretty confusin story, but cool. mhmm.. pool was so darn funny. did so many stupid things man.. hahha. yah, we even did stupid things in the toilet. so gay!! hahha.. yah, martien called to talk to me about some stuff. hey bro, dont worry so much ok? it takes time.. hmm yah, met up with her today. it has been so long.. went to have dinner with she and her friend. got kinda pissed with some lady who shove her aside to grab the seats in the foodcourt. we were like gonna sit la.. stupid bitch.. yah, so anyways.. her friend went back and we took a walk and talked.. never thought i would step into kembangan again..

*today has been great. i wouldnt ask for more actually. hmm but it looks like even the sky and time are playin tricks on me.. oh well.. i guess it just wasnt time to tell you yet.. i feel so freakin useless..

23:05

Friday, October 05, 2007

*my heart cries out to you.. but i have to hold it back.. do you know how much i want you back in my arms again.. its killin me bein apart from you.. yet i can do nothin about it.. all i can do is to love from where i am, far from you.. it hurts..

23:15

mood: worried

man.. why does it always feel so darn hot after a bath.. meh.. well, im drained.. went to gym in the mornin. worked out quite a bit, still had strength to continue surprisingly. but nah.. hahha. had lunch at LJS. dont think i'll have their fish ever again. tastes weird. headed home to grab my stuff before headin to potongpasir macs to study. sureli, prithibra and florence were there too. so yep, studied til 7plus before leavin for home.

*get well soon. well.. at least youre a little better now. please take care of yourself.. cant help worryin about you..

21:25

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

mood: tired, glad =)

heylo. just took a bath. feel more relaxed now. hahha. hmm well i went to cali fitness to gym with ezra today. got an intructor to help us with the exercise. tough man.. but we managed to pull it off. funny thing is, the intructor though ezra and i are brothers. hahha. we look nothin alike!! anyways, he gave us a trainin offer but meh.. aint gonna spend anymore money. too expensive!! so we trained on our own and stuff. yep yep. ate at cineleisure foodcourt and guess who we bumped into.. shaun tan!! hahha. yah.. ezra bought another set of renoma tight ts.. hahha. and yah, went to meet christian, florence and sureli at toapayoh for awhile. next he and i headed to potongpasir kfc to just slack while i did my work.. yep, haiyah.. im so damn lazy to type everythin out man.. hahhaa

*gettin to hear your voice last night really made my day. it was really soft.. i wonder if i really did hear you say it too..

21:38

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

mood: negative mixed with positive

hey guys.. hmm thanks for talkin to me and tryin to comfort me and everythin. it means a lot, really.. but i guess its time i stop botherin all of you. ive been a burden, i know. especially to her friends whom ive been askin so many questions to. its really nice to know that even though you guys are her closest friends, yet all of you still tried to help me.. im so sorry for botherin you all. and to my dear friends who tried to comfort me.. you guys have been the best. its irrittatin when i dont listen to some of the advices you give me, i know that. hahha. well yah, thats just me.. but really most of you have been so patient with me.. thanks..

*and to you.. youve been the girl i love the most so far in my life, the one ive been with for the longest period of time and the only one who has given and showed me so much love.. the memories we had, i will never forget them. especially the times, we spent just the 2 of us alone and bein right next to you. my love, whatever choice you make, whatever things you do.. i'll still love you just the same, never changin. as much as i wish we could be together again, i just want you to be happy. there is somethin i wanna tell you, but not now, not here.. that, you'll hear it from me someday.. but there is one other thing i would want you to know, and that is that.. i miss you..

21:03